break the circle

life…..

There is no point being so righteous or so socially and politically correct or wishing for the “world peace’. “I’ do NOT count…. the earth will rotate regardless. whether us, “humanoid” survive the thousands and thousands centuries on this earth or not…. who cares ??? any one??? Do YOU??

Probably better for the earth if we, “humanoids” vanishes ASAP!
Please explain why we love plastic bags, preservatives, refrigerators, insecticides, food colorings, errrr…. I could go on and on….

people want to live and live and LIVE…. till 100+. I don’t understand WHY?

why do we not want to look our age? What is this mystery I do NOT get? You are 65 and you want to look like 42? WHY?? what am I missing here?

I accept life. Yes, I DO ! ! !
just as much as I accept death! ! ! AND AGING! ! ! YES, I DO ! ! !
This is the way it is. We are just fooling ourselves. We know and feel our age no matter who did your nip and tuck.

I am alright as long as you all leave me alone to be my age and live MY fucking life! ! !
PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME I AM FAT
PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME I SHOULD WEAR DARKER COLOURS
PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME I SHOULD EAT LESS

I AM VERY VERY HAPPY
ARE YOU???

well, then shut the fuck up!

don’t judge me please

stocks are falling
expenses are rising
I get no communication w my son

but there is a rainbow
for me to cross
you say I am selfish….
=(

life is a long journey

please don’t judge me
with an arrow through my heart
for I am in pain with a big hole in my heart

momma

봄비

봄비가 오면
곳 여름이 온다한다
그레서 일까…
설레는 마음으로 봄비를 맞는다
곳 여름이 오길 바라며

활짝 피었던 꽃잎들이
봄비에 죄다 떨어졌다…

땅에 떨어져 비에 적셔 모두 다
흘러 저
어디론가 살아진다

꽆잎이 떨어져 버린곳 근처엔
나뭇잎이 나오고
나무들은 파랏게 변한다

이것이 결국은 나에게 주는
자연의 진리라 본다
나는 하나의 꽃잎…
파란잎이 나오도록
땅에 떨어져야 하는 나…
꼬옥 나무에 붙어야 할 이유가 없는듯

돌고 도는
그게 진정한 자연의 깊은 진리가 아닐까…

raining

raining,
raining,
reminding me all the rains i have heard

tears….
dripping down
reminding all the tears i have shed

soft
sweet
touch of your hands
would it stop the tears…

raining
it will stop sometime

the sun will come out
it will
shining bright
reminding me all the warm moments i’ve had in the past

the dream

had a dream last night…
my son who is 17 was small
I was holding him in my arms
it felt so good

“please stay small”
I said
“I want to take you home with me”

‘I want to hold you like this…”

woke up
sad…
very sad…

but
glad that he is not so small
185cm tall!
glad he has his own life
glad he is who he is

sad… but
glad
it was a
dream

mother

she is, after all, my mother, one and only, although not the birth mother wherever “she” might have been all these 5 decades of my life….
however i do feel the sense of responsibility for a woman who can not see beyond her nose and false pretense of snob world she loves to be in part.

all the sad and painful words she spoke of me and to me… can not forget….

do i visit her out of gratitude? perhaps.
for saving me from the orphanage?

the time does not and did not help our relationship, it just jumped to her frail old age where she needs much of my attention rather than anything else.
every time i visit her at her home, i feel sadness for her and resentment toward her as well.
it just does not get easy at all and of course she does not make it easy, either.

i do not remember her even making a sound whenever i had something good or happy to share about myself… she just keeps absolute silence ! blank…. no comment…

evey visit she will add something negative to my appearance or my life….
does your neck has some growth? it looks really big
you gain so much weight… you will get all sorts of illness due to obesity.
your skin is so rough,
why don’t you wear make up?
cut your hair, you look like a farmer (what is wrong with looking like a farmer?)
keep your hair longer, you need to cover your fat face.
you think you look pretty with that shirt but i tell you, you look ugly
on and on……

i do visit often and the woman does not know where or when to stop. if i share something bad or tragic then she will have plenty to add to make it worse.

why is this?
why does she compete life with me? is this the purest form of biological phenomina? female “bitching”
the very basic instinct of animal behaviour?

she has no maternal instinct.
for obvious reasons…

…sigh…….

is there a shop for mother on sale any where, i sure could use one…. =(
i miss mom……

my poor son….

It is not easy growing and being 17 and your mom ditched you and you are stuck with your dad who has never been a supportive loving tender male figure in your life. But it still hurts me to have no response from my son. There is just monologue going on his FB and gmails and other emails and chats…. how much does he want to punish me for leaving… His Dad is really trying and showing lot more interest in his life which I am sure my son appreciates.

Perhaps he will never forgive me and I will just hope for the time to pass and heal my pains… am I to just let it be and let him go on with his life without me?

selfish mother, he probably thinks…
saving my life to have a life of my own was a lethal decision to destroy someone else’s life.
can life ever be easy…. ?

It is too painful and nowadays I just don’t bother carrying my cell phone near me. Expectation can kill you.

I hope he is BIG enough to grow and be a warm person and just forget about his mother who left him. There are many people out there who are nice and warm and not so selfish like his mom.

I wish to just fall asleep and forget all these and hope tomorrow is a new day and things will look brighter. But I know it ain’t so….

my daughter wrote a song missing me…. and I can not listen without teary eyes and lump on my throat…

Did I make a mistake????

may be…
may be I was to sacrifice myself since I was a mother of 2 beautiful angels. It would have been noble and worthy if I had learn to let go of my life’s meaning and just found some reasonable logic that my life belonged to my children. When would have been a good time to leave them…. after they get married, after they have their own jobs, after they have their own places…. ?

My former husband begged me to pretend to be married and stay until my son finished his army and was officially an adult. I would not have made it till then. They would have had me forever in ashes scattered around sea.

I need to learn to just go on with the present and make some sense and forgive myself…
Not easy. I am still messed up in so many ways. perhaps too much hormones or chemicals. whatever.

Trying to make some sense and hopping it won’t be too painful for too long…

At least I think he knows that I love him… I hope so….

happier me

had a lunch with 2 piano teachers, one not quite familiar and the other a much closer friend. the conversation went to hobbies and the horse riding came up and i happened to know the place near by where there is a such facility. obviously both like the idea of riding, one little more enthusiastic than the other.

and one starts…..
” oh but, but, it is sooo dangerous. what if you fall… one could fall so easily and break a bone or more serious injuries can happen. we, pianists can not afford to break bones and all that kind of injuries…. blah blah…. ” on and on she went.

pause here for a second…. ! ! please…..
did she mean that there were occupations out there that deserved falling from a horse and breaking bones? help me here.

grrrrrr….
i did not ask her to ride and to be really mean here, we are not “THE” serious pianists, either, well, not the kind that insures fingers for millions type. so, what is she worried about.

after concentrating on the food, which by the way was really good, i told them the driving out in the street was more dangerous than horse riding.

every time we are out driving is like a ticking time bomb. here, where i live, drivers are just disgusting. lanes do not exist, nor the traffic lights. i peel my eyes open wide every time out on the road. hate to join the “survival of the fittest” game. it becomes extremely stressful.

she wants to get to know me better and have lunches more often….
no thanks, of course i could NOT say that.
why me, i ask myself. what does she want?
anyway, i decided to be busy for awhile, very busy… =/

am i being rude and unkind? hardly, i say. i am entitled to my own time of serenity and peace. at our age we must guard our time for fun and happy activities. we have had enough of nonsense to last our remaining life time. i need not put up with this.

just
no thanks

mind my own business….. you too, please!

=)
happier me

melancholia

watched the movie “Melancholia”. Other than too much of Wagner’s “Tristan und Isolde” it was visually pleasing. Guess it is a possible thing to be crashed by a planet and the Earth will be burnt and vaporized.

What would I be doing on the last day, last hour, last minute, had I known the fact? Having wine, sitting brave and let the planet crash into my face? I do not know.

Everything on Earth becomes totally meaningless. If I knew it was to happen, what good does do me to do anything, eating, reading, breathing, thinking, bathing…. It is not like I need to leave a clean mark for others, either. We all will be vanished.
What a depressing thoughts….

I would count myself extremely lucky if I were to be hugging my 2 children before the Earth be engulfed by the fire, but most unlikely to have that fortune.

curse the night

it must be a great book

or is it a great man

i would not know but

it must be

to captivate you till this night

forgetting time passing

oh…. the curse of the night is here

we all must get into bed and sleep

turn our brain on auto

and hope for a morning to wake us all

the fortunate ones who will be taken to the other side

this night

will never know the great book that you are reading

the night is passing

slowly but surely

it must be a great book or a man

for you to be cuddling the i-pad

ever so dearly

forgetting

there is an old girl yearning to hear your voice

the sweet sounding of your voice to put her to sleep

so she will rest her soul

for there may be a tomorrow

for us all

hoping for a break

in this deafening silence

for those few magic words

you so sweetly whisper

is it a crime to hang on to a phone

even in the silence

for I wish to hear your sweetness

which carries me over to the next hour

once a boy told me that

nobody likes a clinging girl

so I dare not

I just move on to the

next hour

in silence

oh.. curse this night

it must be a great book….

are we ok

we
we are not ok
but the earth will stand
after we gone

ok
ok is not good
i do best when ok is not
i better
when not ok

are
plural
singular find another one like
even then
we will be gone

but the earth
will stand

waiting for the spring

long dark night
I sit and breath in the cold air
musky and wet
when will this winter be over

longing for the spring
summer will arrive
with no warning
too unprepared
hot and long silent nights

autumn will come
it always does
with unforgiving surge to pierce
my still warm heart
to freeze and trying cracking

soon the cycle will come to an end
with the last huff and puff
I would be gone
gone from the seasons

but the cold winter will come again
looking for another heart to freeze

heavy eye lids
if I close them
what would i see

would there be spring for me?